


An Honest Effort

by JackWhisperer1011



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Relationship Problems, loki cheated a long time ago
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:49:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27990291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackWhisperer1011/pseuds/JackWhisperer1011
Summary: Loki and you have been fighting. You don't know what'll happen, but you know what you wish would happen.
Relationships: Loki/Original Female Character
Comments: 25
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

You lay on the bed, cold. It had been cold for many nights now, and it would be for a while. 

It was hard to know if what kept you here was comfort, or the hope to be happy again. Sometimes you were happy and got along, and everything was wonderful. Other times it was this. Every word was wrong, every move was flawed. You fought and antagonized each other. The arguing turned into hurtful, insulting words and suggestions. You'd hoped things would improve when you finally had a space of your own free from external burdens, to no avail.

The first few days, you'd thought he was just stewing in his typical emotional way. By the next couple of days it felt as if you were being punished. You'd worked so hard, so long, to get back together and work everything out. But were you really past it? Were you really meant to be together or did it just feel like you couldn't walk away from something you invested such a huge amount into?

Loki was in the room next to yours. You could hear him through the walls any time he shifted. He knew your feelings about real or perceived abandonment, and yet he left you alone night after night. He slept soundly and quickly, and the cold probably didn't seep into him like it did her. Each night you were up for hours, having to muddle around until exhaustion claimed you and forced you to sleep.

You had gotten over betrayal, gaslighting... even being abandoned by people he'd tricked. It had been over half your relationship ago, now, and yet it was cruel that you should accept the past while he abandons you for your sharp words. 

___

"Why must you always be on my case?" You shouted, knowing where every fight headed. You, apologizing. 

"You hardly function without it. How can I love living here when you are constantly too depressed and lazy to do your daily tasks?" Loki glared at her, eyes filled with malice. 

"If you hate living with me, then don't." As soon as you said the words, you knew you hit a trigger. Of course it would be your fault that you retaliated, that you even spoke aloud. Could you be blamed, if he had practically told you that he couldn't stand to be here?  
____

And so he had stayed in the other room. You'd begged him to come back late at night once, only to be cursed out of the room. 

At first, he didn't speak to you at all. Now, there were moments of normalcy. He made no moves to apologize for his behaviour, and seemed to still be punishing you for yours. Part of your heart squeezed to think perhaps you'd have a repeat, and he would seek comfort and validation from someone else. Doubting that, you continued to try playing nice even though it simply didn't feel like it should be your job any more.

In the morning, Loki arrived in the kitchen with you. He made small conversation and even joked around. It was too easy to slip back into pretending nothing was wrong.

"Thor should be coming around later. We are going to speak to some people and then train. I will be gone most of the day." He moved to slip his hand under your shirt. You blocked him, laughing and teasing.

"Oh? You want to play? How about you come play in our bedroom, good sir?" You smiled and went to reach for his body. 

"There's a good reason I'm not there, and you know it." Loki gently removed all lightness from his tone and gestures. 

"Alright," you replied flatly, no longer entertained or willing to go along.


	2. It's Gone Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Me and Tennessee- Country Strong for this. Also Stay-Rihanna. Flashback of when Loki made his mistakes, and some discussion of what's happening between them.

Two Years Ago

"I did see her. Casually. For a short while. It was nothing." You wanted to believe him, so you did. It confirmed your long-lived suspicions and made you feel less like a crazy person, so you took it. You were finally back in his arms getting morsels of honesty, you didn't want to push it. 

"Ok. I knew that, pretty much." You thought about the night you found his phone. The night you screamed for hours that he was seeing her, and he shouted back just as long that he wasn't. As your heart beat a little faster, and a heat filled your body, you tried pushing the memories away of all the clues you'd noticed and all the isolation you had felt because you were being too dramatic to maintain your mutual friends. Emotions had been high, things had been unclear for a long time. Your relationship throughout the turmoil hadn't necessarily been labelled, but you'd been together for years. You couldn't really see things having been so ambiguous you could excuse a different relationship at the same time, for nearly a year. No matter your label, you'd certainly been too involved to be disregarded. 

He was here now. He was back in your arms, and things had ended with the other girl. Even if she'd been the one to end them.

____

Loki came out of the spare room. His eyes met yours, but you felt a pang of sadness anyway. Things had been mostly very good in the last two years. You had fought for a long time, as slowly you gained more information about really happened with the other girl. But after a while you seemed to be on a hot streak. You even decided to move in together again, and you'd been discussing marriage and planning for a baby. Such infinitesimal arguments had lead you here. 

"I'm probably going out with Thor again today, we haven't been training enough together. That, and I'm planning to trick him with something I planned last week." Loki's smirk was uninhibited, pulling his shirt on over his head. He leaned down for a kiss, then embraced you for a minute. It was tempting to forget, and just apologize for starting a fight. But that was what you always did. And then you always ended up back here.

"I love you," you mumbled into his shirt. 

"I love you, too," Loki sighed into her hair. He reluctantly unwound himself from around you and departed. 

Just when you thought you wouldn't hear from him all day, he called. 

"Hello," Loki's smooth, charming voice came through. "I wanted to express something to you. I am not returning to the bedroom for a while. I truly wish to, and I hope you will understand. I am exhausted from our wars. Every day I fear a new battle shall start, and I'm unsure how to avoid it."

A large part of you wanted to defend your position. Why couldn't he see your side? Why couldn't he be the one to apologize and leave it at that? You chose to stay silent and let him finish talking. No more fighting or yelling, you had no willpower to have him retaliate when you tried to say anything he didn't want to hear. 

"I don't feel like you apologize without it being dragged out." You were tired of always taking the blame. As far from perfect as you could be, he wasn't either.

As the monologue developed you did understand his feelings. Probably because you felt the same way. The aching tire from fighting weighed on you. There was nothing new to say, but silently staying on the phone didn't really improve his mood, and he eventually ended the call. 

When Loki came home, he had bags with him of food and trinkets. He had become so comfortable living on Midgard. 

"Hey, I wanted to show you something!" He pulled out his smartphone, which he had only first gotten when you had separated ages ago. Everything reminds you of your previous time apart when you fight like this. Baser instincts tell you it'll all repeat. You gave a polite interested response. "You remember when we talked about rings? You said you didn't want a diamond, something about how they do terrible things here for them. Sif was showing me one her friend received, and it made me think of you."

Rings? How was he bringing up engagement rings? He started showing you his phone, filled with beautiful opal and rose gold rings. You confirmed that they were gorgeous, and that you liked these better than diamonds, as you'd once discussed in a lazy morning.

"I swear I'm not proposing for Christmas, and I'm not hinting anything. I just wanted to show you these while I remembered, since Sif showed these to me today. They have similar things on Asgard, you know." The boyish grin was there, as he continued chattering away as usual to himself. 

After a few more pages of scrolling, Loki left to shower off and change after his training. As the water turned off, you heard your phone buzz. 

-Come up to the spare room

You grinned, hoping your choice to listen and not interrupt his emotional talk earlier had helped things. 

Upon entering the bedroom, you saw him, nude, in the sheets of the spare bed. He lifted the covers, inviting you into their warmth. 

"Ha, what a huge mistake!" Loki laughed as your cold feet touched his warmed body. "No, don't come any closer! I can't take it. You are frighteningly cold. How do you survive? Ah! Get your icy feet away from me." You both burst into giggles, with you pressing each frigid part of you into any crevice you could. He swept you into his arms, finally succumbing to your temperature in favour of having you against his chest. It was still mid-afternoon, but you were no one to refuse this.

Loki showed you videos to entertain you, discussed his day of training. You brought up how you'd agreed to get a dog soon, and how excited you were to have one despite all the hair that would be all over. 

"Maybe, instead of a dog, we should invest that money into a fund for a baby. We really have no money prepared. And they are expensive!" Especially human babies, when you make minimum wage, you'd once assured him. It would be much different than if they were on Asgard. His words lifted your spirit further, leaving you open to optimism you hadn't intended on for today. If he wanted a baby, he wanted to be together. If he wanted to be together, he'd sleep in your room with you. "Perhaps we could start now?" 

Loki roughly took your shoulder, in order to turn you toward him. Mouths crushed together, and then his hand drifted south. You knew he wasn't intending to get you pregnant, he just wanted to sleep with you. At first, you kissed back and let your hands roam. As soon as he went to remove your pants, you got cold feet. Suddenly, you were squirming away. Knowing you sometimes liked rough, forceful foreplay, Loki pulled you harder. He lifted your leg, bit the inside of your thigh. 

"No, wait. Wait!" You squealed as he growled and lifted his head to look at you. "Are you gonna come back?" 

Hands were no longer on your thighs, and Loki was handing you your clothing. "It's fine," he reassured you as he stared at his face, sadly. "I won't make you do this. I'm sorry."

The rest of the evening went off relatively without a hitch. You weren't bitter about the sex, and he seemed to get over it respectfully. But he still didn't return to your bedroom that night. It would be another night of sleeplessness and loneliness for you.


	3. It's Gone Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I CHANGED THE CHAPTER AMOUNT because I'm really enjoying the reception and the story here. There's so much to add. It's another flashback or so here. Do you guys want a chapter from Loki's perspective?

2 Years Ago:

"I know we were fighting, and were sort of on a break. But he was with someone else for nearly a year! He never told me, even when I asked. I couldn't talk to any of you because he told me you were all tired of my mental health problems and needed a break." You cry hopelessly to your friends, aching to realize just how much had really gone on. 

"He told us that you two had officially been broken up, and a while before she was involved. We thought you were just jealous, and regretting the breakup. I'm sorry we weren't there for you when you needed us. Any time we got in touch, you were yelling at us, and freaking out about Loki and this girl. We really didn't know." Darcy hugged you as your mind flooded with even more questions. 

"Loki knew I felt abandoned by you all. I begged to see you guys and he said you needed space, or were busy. You got together anyway, just without me, didn't you? Was she there?" You froze, waiting for the answer you knew was coming but hoped wasn't true. "TELL ME!" your voice rasped in a way you were sure had been heard by the walls of Asgard once before.

"Yeah. She was there. Almost every time, even when Thor came to visit." Darcy responded quietly, Jane staring sadly on at them. The atmosphere was pained and melancholy.

Everything over the year you had spent chasing Loki made sense. You'd been together for two years prior, then started having some issues here and there. Eventually, you just felt like nothing would change. Loki would always live on Asgard, miserable and feeling unwelcome. You would always live on Midgard, wishing he would stay. The distance was a strain but the stagnation was a poison. Knowing the differences between mortal and Asgardian lives, you weren't sure if you could overcome it all just to die in the blink of an eye to someone you loved. So you took a break. How very Ross and Rachel, if only he'd get the reference. Except it wasn't only once. He immediately started seeing some other girl, someone better. She was gorgeous, intelligent, young looking (How would she know how old, really?). What were you in comparison?? 

Days had been spent asking Loki if he'd wanted to see other people, as you were still seeing each other but were afraid to officially get back together until you'd seen evidence that something would change. This strange grey area had left you open to extreme hurt. Not once had he said he wanted to. If you asked about someone (always her), he'd deny it. He never even stopped telling you he loved you. 

But over nearly a year, he'd been with her. Isolated you from your friends, introduced her to them, and made you think you were crazy to even think he was seeing someone. The gaslighting developed further as you had found a message from her, a love letter. You never thought you'd be the type of girl who read a man's phone. This was basically the equivalent. But when you saw it... You knew you had to prove to yourself you weren't entirely mad. For a while, that confrontation and that discovery had broken your heart and mended your mind. 

When you went to discuss this event with your friends, they'd turned you away. They said it was unhealthy, and not your business. You were alone and devastated, with only one person to hold onto. Loki.

As time had passed he had assured you he had only seen the woman a few times, never anything serious, and that it was over now. The two of you still didn't get back together, but you returned to spending time every once in a while. You wanted to understand that you'd hurt him first, by asking to split up. He'd just tried to move on, as he felt he should. Over time you found out they'd been serious, sexual, and introduced to each others families. For a while, you'd had to live in isolation, believing you'd been betrayed by all those close to you in favour of this literal goddess. 

A few months later was when he'd laid in your bed, holding you, just barely offering to return to you and swearing he had told you everything about her. Now Darcy and Jane had heard your story, and it was like seeing your life through a kaleidoscope. For a short while, connecting all the dots, you felt like a crazy person in a film with strings attaching the photos and maps on a pin board. 

Could you really forgive him? Did he really want to work things out? Was you breaking his heart first truly a sufficient reason to do what he had done?

\----

Wandering through your home, you were overwhelmed with the feeling of old. Everything was absorbed by the worry that it was happening again... you were fighting, and he would find comfort elsewhere. It was impossible, and you both were dedicated to each other more than ever. It was just an argument. 

You'd spent nearly 3 years rebuilding the trust and boundaries and expectations for yourselves and your life together. You had to trust that this sensation would eventually leave you. 

Loki returned to your bed three nights later, and you both just accepted it silently. He held you close, told you he loved you. The feel of the warm bed and physical embrace was enough to loosen your nerves and you fell asleep peacefully for the first time in two weeks.

"I love you. We are going to be alright." Loki knew you were upset easily, and that this had been hard for you. It had likely been hard on him. The fear of abandonment existed in you both and drove you to do what had been done all those years ago. It seemed to glue you together now, except when you fought. It fueled the flames, caused you both to lash out and punish each other. Progress with poor coping mechanisms took time, you'd been told, when you'd seen a therapist together for a year. Neither of you were going to be perfect any time soon. You had to decide whether to invest more into each other, or cut your losses. 

When Loki left for training in the morning, you tried to reach out and bridge the final gap. Now that he had a cell phone, it was easier for you. You left a long, hopefully meaningful text.

"I love you. I know we will be ok, and we are gonna keep working on things and getting better. I just sometimes need reassurance. Even just to cry, and explain what's going on and how I'm feeling. I know we both lash out when we are scared, and we haven't always felt very secure that other people will stay. I want us to know how to help each other, and how to avoid escalating our arguments just because we are frightened or hurt. It's a process, but know I love you and I'm here."

Later on, Loki replied with all his love. He thanked you and agreed this was an excellent way to improve your communication and relationship. You hoped it would help you grow together. 

"I'm coming home." You hadn't expected him to return so quickly. Maybe you'd upset him, or he wanted to talk more. If he really wanted to get into it more, you weren't certain you were ready.

Upon arriving, Loki immediately started to undress. His scarf, coat, and then other items of clothing started to fall to the ground. He was grabbing you, pulling your body into his while working on your clothes and walking you backward to the couch. You two had yet to christen anywhere but your master bedroom in your new home, and his passionate response was lighting you on fire. Every touch was another flame.

Loki's lips nipped and sucked on yours, before tangling with your tongue in the depths of your mouth. Puffy, red lips kept fervently greeting each other, and you found yourself nude on the couch underneath the lithe body of your lover, with only one item of clothing left.

"I love you, darling," he panted as he reached down to free himself. "That message, it was perfect. It was everything that I could have wished for, and I'm sorry I didn't write it first."

You knew Loki wasn't about to be free of all blame, or responsibility to do better in the future. But you would take what you could get for now. 

As Loki slid his arm underneath your hips, the other cupped your face as he dove in once more for a heated kiss. You lifted your hips to meet him, feeling instantly reassured when your bodies were connected. It didn't feel like you were using this as a band-aid, but to express to each other how sorry you were and how much you loved each other. His touch was a balm on every wound, his adoring words soothed your heartache.

"Wait," you panic, pulling away. "I'm not on anything. I didn't bother with a new ring this month- we were fighting and I wanted to give myself a reason not to have sex with you until we had fixed things." You were slightly embarrassed at your own version of punishment, though it was equal torture for you both. You had wanted to deprive him of sex the way he'd deprived you of sleeping next to him. But now, the idea seemed foolish. 

"I don't care," Loki pushed even more lustfully into you. Your words seemed to have spurred him on. 

"No, Loki, seriously. We shouldn't." 

"If you get pregnant, you get pregnant." Your fingers tangle in his black hair at his words, remembering how only a short while ago you'd been discussing when to have kids. But right now? It had been made fairly clear you were not ready for another person to take care of in this relationship. You two had to settle your own mental health struggles first, or you'd be like your parents. Passing on a whole kind of damaged. 

"What if I just take a Plan B?" 

"Yes, if you would like." Loki grunted as you clung to him and kissed him, wrapping your legs around so he could be even deeper. "Just let me make us feel better, darling."

As your body lit up like fireworks, and Loki was gasping in pleasure, you silently thanked the Norns for returning him to you. When you were together, and happy, it all felt worth it. He was erotically charged knowing you weren't protected, even though you'd make sure nothing came of it. Loki and you would have it all, one day. A family that loved you, a place you belonged. Each other. Love. Something you'd felt so deprived of and afraid to lose all at the same time. 

Still giddy, you both collapsed onto the couch holding each other close, afraid to let the semblance of peace and illusion of happiness fade away. Perhaps things would turn out alright, but there were still the nerves that you'd fall back into habit and fight again. For now, you had to believe that if you knew how to help each other, you'd choose to do that over lashing out or self-isolating. 

"I love you," you murmured as Loki kissed all over your body. 

"I love you, too. I know we aren't very good at it. It's the most intimidating thing in the world. But I love you."


	4. Baby, I Think We Both Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bring on the pain train.

Things had been going smoothly for a while. You’d enjoyed the holidays together, even celebrated his birthday and had a few date nights. You worked together to improve yourselves. 

Loki introduced a few fellow warriors to your close knit group of friends. Everyone got along great and you loved feeling like you could be comfortable around more than a select handful of people. 

One day Loki mentioned he was nervous about having these people be part of the group. He wanted his own friends, especially since these were more colleagues than pals. 

“Oh. I understand. But we do like them, and they’re already a part of so much. We have spent much time with them, and shared in many activities. We will make sure personal affairs don’t affect your work life, if that is what you wish.”

You tried to be kind and supportive, but like an old scar from a bullet to the heart, you were called to a memory. There was another time in your life where Loki asked for distance between his work and home life. Once, just like this, he had convinced you that you were failing to respect his personal space and boundaries by asking questions or associating with certain people from the palace. 

Though Loki had previously claimed you were being jealous and untrusting, perhaps bordering on mad, you couldn’t shake the sensation for a second time in your life. He would never say those things now. But was that because he had changed? Or because he knew you couldn’t be fooled twice. Could you? 

Of course if you felt in your gut that Loki were repeating unfaithful behaviours, you would already be gone. You considered the area between “things are lovely” and “I’m being cheated on. Again.” Which point of the sliding scale would be too heavy? 

Days went by where you thought nothing of the exchange and hoped your discussion with a therapist would ground you and help you understand whether you were being gaslit or not. Loki became more and more firm that you stop befriending his colleagues, as it made him uncomfortable. He said his personal life would be public forum and in case anything ever happened he would want his privacy from them. But wouldn’t they ask or notice regardless, especially since he was still actively acquainting himself? 

****

“I spoke with my coworkers about my discomfort with them befriending you and the others. They have agreed to keep their acquaintance to only me, unless I invite them.” Loki tried to say the words dismissively, but you could feel the hot, acidic blood of fury in your veins. 

After repeating the argument, only to concede at risk of being iced out as before, you don’t speak much the rest of the night. The tension is palpable. 

***

“I brought Vazur a cake for her birthday today.” Loki half laughed, clearly going to begin a tale. His smile made your heart glow and you ached to watch it all night. You couldn’t help your mind wandering to compare to your own birthday.

“Very sweet,” you think of how this indicates Loki is not, in fact, searching for any dichotomy between his work and home life, outside of you. “Where from?” 

Loki names an expensive bakery just outside of the palace, which requires a wait list. He had been doing many activities with different people from around the palace he met during different activities. Being on terms of pre purchasing specialized cakes for their birthdays was an interesting addition to your observation. 

“You did quite a lot for Kasta as well. You even had an event. I know how you dislike Asgardian crowds. How thoughtful.” You realized you had received neither such efforts. 

“I will not continue this discussion if it will lead to more tension. If you should enjoy an argument you may find it elsewhere.” Loki abruptly cut off the conversation topic and turned coldly away. 

“It’s too late, Loki. Now we will just spend the rest of our night ignoring each other until someone breaks the dam and we fight.” You knew what you were doing, you were asking for it. But you were tired of saying nothing, of pretending everything was ok and ignoring this behaviour. He would lash out when he heard something he didn’t like. You would try to appease him until the issue was swept under the rug. Rinse and repeat. 

Loki started shouting.

“Why must you always be starting fights? What is wrong with you? Can’t you just respect my boundaries and leave it alone?” He started grabbing items from the closet and around the room. “I can’t do this any more. I’m moving into the spare room. I will have to find another place to live. We only fight when we live together so I guess we can no longer do that.” 

You had heard all of this before. Moving out of the room, out of the house. It no longer upset you or scared you, it was a bluff. But in this moment, you weren’t so sure you hated the idea of not having to do this any more. Going through the motions was like a vacuum of time, energy, and emotion.

“Then go. But if we can’t live together, we can’t be together. I’m not spending my life living nearby to my partner, husband, or children’s father. I deserve more than that.” Proud of yourself, you internally preened at being so assertive and not allowing him to talk himself out of trouble or talk you into thinking you’d been in the wrong. 

“When this kind of thing happens, I recall there was a time I desperately needed other people in my life. Times I begged for answers why my friends weren’t acting like my friends. Times I couldn’t speak I cried so hard wishing for the people in my life to surround me while I struggled. And you purposely and knowingly kept them from me. You knew I was shattered, you knew I was lonely and heartbroken, but you couldn’t let me know about that GIRL. And you had brought her round our friends, so you knew you’d be caught. And you isolated me when you knew I was dying under the weight of abandonment. Just like you did so long ago. And the fact it could happen again is petrifying.” 

Loki remained unmoved. As usual, the guilt of his previous actions outweighed his actual drive to repent. He would never dedicate himself to apologizing or healing, if he could simply shove it in the past and bury it deep. So you were left with a festering wound. 

The two of you stared icily at each other for several minutes, before he dragged his things to the spare room. 

You went to check on him, and he told you “Do not speak to me.” It was haunting. So you didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m starting a 20 chapter (longer chapters) story about Loki x OFC. It will be a very happy marriage but I’m an angst lover so there will be other angst and pain involved. It is an avengers related story, following how I think life would go for Loki if he did partner up. Comment to let me know if you would read that, so I know if it should have any interest!


	5. Together We’re Singing

Since the argument, you hadn’t spoken in several days. Eventually you just started having small conversations, trying to feel less tension. 

“Can we talk?” Loki stared down at you. His steady gaze was somewhat intimidating given the atmosphere. You hadn’t been under his scrutiny in such a long time. Usually his eyes on yours was intense in a more enticing way.

“I suggest it.” Your response came out unintentionally curt. As hard as you tried to regret it, you couldn’t. 

“I love you,” he breathed hurriedly. It was always the hardest for him to just shut up and admit he was wrong. If he couldn’t succeed in redirection or getting himself out of trouble, it was usually the offence. He had some serious growing up to do if he planned on sticking around.

“I love you too, but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it makes both of us unhappy. Honestly, I don’t know how to even fix it. We can’t talk and we can’t have a mature discussion about what is bothering us, and I’m not prepared to compromise on how you treat me when you are upset.” It wasn’t like I hadn’t had time over the past week to think about all the things that bothered me, or why. I had also been putting in massive efforts into myself for many months now, and learning how to understand my own boundaries and expectations. 

“I understand. But when I’m angry it is so hard to tamp down. Sometimes you can be so easily thrown into a mood and I know not what I have done. Others, I try to speak gently with you and you explode.” As vulnerable as he was offering to be, you saw his raw frustration. How easy it would be to offer to burden the blame, ease his emotions, and move on.

“Loki, this has not been you speaking gently. Just because you are quiet or calm for a moment does not mean I am not permitted to respond. Yet the moment I do we both erupt. Then it’s my fault for not simply apologizing in order to keep the peace.” How could you see a future here? Was this what your entire life would look like? It felt like millennia ago you were talking about marriage or children. 

“It feels as if you no longer love me. Like you stay just for our friends, or for stability.”

Did you still love him? Were you able to say that honestly right now? Maybe the exhaustion of your present argument was clouding your judgement. When you searched your feelings all you found was emptiness and resentment. Was that all there would ever be?

“I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way. I promise I’m trying. This is hard.” You wanted to be honest. He was handsome, staring at you, even angrily. Part of you wished you could just kiss and make up. Did you still find him attractive because you still loved him? 

“I wish you would just stop being so negative always. The last time we had sex- the last time we made love... you wouldn’t even let me touch you because you hate your body. Any time I compliment you, I’m rejected. When I attempt to end our quarrels it is never enough. How can we be in love like this?” 

Fuck. Was this the end? You would never have the strength to leave him, leave all this, and not spend your life second guessing yourself. But if he ended it, would that somehow be better? Did you want that? 

“I’m not sure, Loki. I think our communication could use some work.” You had started to feel your eyes burn and water during his speech and now the tears flowed and you didn’t care how awful you looked. “We both have to take accountability. Not just me all the time and not just to shut someone up.” 

You weren’t even sure anything would change this time. Every fight had a hopeful resolution, and each time it metastasized. Maybe just some time apart would help you feel less hollow. 

“I think we need some reflection and some ideas on how to move forward. Things for ourselves, not just notes for each other.” Maybe this move would get you both to appreciate each other again. Over saturated time in combination with already being bothered wasn’t helping any. 

“Maybe that is for the best.” 

You remembered a time where neither of you ever would have let this go. If it had taken all night you would be up, talking and learning about each other and trying to do better. No matter the effort required you would have just made it work. Now you just felt exhausted at the thought. 

Was it a bad sign Loki didn’t fight you on your time apart? You wanted to make it clear that this was not a time to let other people into your relationship- at least not the way he had done the last time your relationship had struggled. At this point you weren’t even certain that you had returned to being a happy, healthy couple since that time. Maybe you had just been so determined to make all the drama worth it that you convinced yourself it made you happy.

“I love you,” you whispered.

“I love you, as well.” Loki was solemn and waited to gauge what to do next. “I will stay with Thor for a while, and you can let me know what you want to do from there.”

As he departed, some childish remnant of you wished for him to turn back around, declare his undying love and devotion to you, and bed you. Another fragment wished to beg him to stay just so you didn’t feel unworthy of his after all. The two sides warred while the rest of your shell just walked back to bed, to sulk. 

—

Several days later you awoke to do your work around the palace while avoiding Loki. You’d been over working yourself in order to keep your mind occupied. Today felt different, you could barely get up. Your groggy eyes took cranes to open, your neck hurt, and your body ached. 

Work felt tedious and your body felt like cement. Was there anything she could catch on Asgard? 

Upon seeing you, Fandral came to say his Hello. When you winced at the interaction, feeling wobbly when someone was paying too munch attention to you, he paused. You knew he was looking you over. 

Fandral took your arm, then watched you close your eyes just a hair longer than you should have. 

“My Lady, please. Come rest in the parlour a moment. Are you not feeling well?” Fandral met your eyes with concern. You took a moment to gather yourself. It was kind of your mutual friend to take notice of your ailment and care for you. 

“I’m just tired. I haven’t slept well in over a week. Loki and I have been very swept up in a few things lately.” Perhaps this was to prevent Fandral from asking anything more. Or else it was to comfort yourself in why you’d been apart so long without him or you changing your minds. 

“Oh, I think I understand. Are congratulations in order?” 

Did he mean congrats on leaving Loki? You take an extra close look at Fandral to understand his meaning. To give more than necessary away would force you to admit what was going on at home. Upon seeing his hopeful but tentative eyes, you understood. He thought you would be expanding your family, and that was why you were unwell. 

“Norns, no.” When did you start speaking so much like you belonged here? “Nothing of the sort. Perhaps the opposite.” 

You meant that as a joke but it fell so flat it was sad. Fandral immediately grew concerned. 

“We have just had an argument. Nothing to worry about. Hard to go home when you’re grumpy, that’s all.” You made more of an effort of inflection with a smile, hopeful to perk up the tone. 

“Well, if you ever worry about anything too much, I’m here. I know you well enough not to pry. After last time though... we have your back.” And with that, Fandral gestured a handmaiden over to take you back to your rooms and said goodbye to you. 

You didn’t feel attracted to Fandral ordinarily, but there was something beautiful in how he had treated you and listened to you. 

Maybe this was what you preferred.


End file.
